So here’s the deal, dudes and dudettes. I’m fuckin’ excellent at improv-ing. I will improvise all over this fucking party if I need to prove it to you.
I DON’T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO YOU!
Holy shit! Didjou realize that the word “prove” uses the same letters as the word “improv”? Fucking right it does. That’s why I said it, motherfucker.
Speaking of that stuff, hey! HEY!
Don’t you think it’s so hot when women, like, you know, like when women are all slutty in an improv scene? Like once, I was doing this scene with this girl and she was all, “Oh my gosh, I’m such a slut!” And my guy, my guy, my character guy I was playing, he was all, “Yeah you are!”
And then I tried to kiss right there in front of the whole fuckin’ show and she pushed me away. I was all, “Don’t block me.”
I LOVE THIS SONG! THIS SONG IS MY JAM! TURN THIS SONG UP, MY HOMEY!!!
OK so back to the thing I was trying to put into your head before you interrupted me with your goo-goo eyes…
Here’s some advice for to how to do some very good improvizzzashun…
Advice Numero One
Never ever ever do improv without tacos first. It is implingative— It is imprairiverse— It is fucking IMPERATIVE TO EAT TACOS! Before every show. Like, every show. Fucking Delward Close used to down like five chicken soft tacos before every show and he practically invented improv. Except for wait no, actually it was Mark Twain. I heard that on a bus one time. Mark Twain!
There are no small audiences, only small audiences. And if your friend is in the audience and that friend doesn’t laugh at your shit, you should just tell him to HIT THE ROAD, JACK. One time I had a friend name Jeff who came to my show and didn’t laugh. And then I was all, “HIT THE ROAD, JEFF.” I changed “Jack” to “Jeff” and I thought that was so funny. Which brings me to my next…
Advice Which is Advice Three
Eat muttiple tacos before you do your thing onstage, homey. MUTTIPLE TACOS!
Advice Number Four
The harder you try to make fart jokes the more likely it is for that you are going to fart yourself like for real. And don’t blame it on the tacos!!! TACOS NEVER GAVE NOBODY GAS! It’s all in your brain, man! It’s the placebo connect. The placebo connect makes you think you’re needing to fart just by saying fart. Same thing with yawning. You say “yawn” and suddenly everyone in the room is farting. It’s magical stuff.
And finally, buddy, I’m going to give you the…
Best Secret Improv Advice I Can Think Of
If you want to make it as one of those pussy-ass sellouts who do Snaaaaturday Night Live then you have to first know how to fucking swallow your pride. Because you can only be on that unfunny P.O.S. if you can sell your SOUL TO LAUREN MICHELLE. Lauren Michelle owns comedy. He practically invented comedy with Delward and Mark Twain and even Shania Twain I think had something to–